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Fellowship Week One: Black and Blue

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I’m typing this, in my bed with sheets pulled over my face. It’s been a day. And I still have tasks looming over me that I still have to do but it has been a day, a long day. After four years of  residency, I had finally felt comfortable with the management my adult and pediatric patients in the clinic and on the floor. And today to be back at square one, with a knowledge base that is minimal, that’s hard. I am in the ICU with infants and children with complex cardiac diseases often needing urgent or emergent intervention to save their lives. And to not know.  If I’m being honest, it’s the toughest on my ego. Its bruised today, blue and black from all the hits of inadequacy and feelings of inferiority.  But it's humbling to be here again, face to face with what I lack. But as I stare my inadequacy in the face, I realize a few things. One, that this weakness is not always. Your first year is only the first year once.  First week only comes once. I will not always be...
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missing the obvious

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I find myself in a funk today that I find myself in every so often.. it often happens when my life hangs in a haze, when all I see is fog and the beautiful sun glazed path to a beautiful and bright tomorrow isn't so obvious. My attitude shows it. My speech declares it. My life displays it. And yet I miss the obvious. Something ain't right... And it took me more than a second to realize that - that something is with me. I took a breath in a conversation with my cousin yesterday and realized my groans and complaints echoed through the empty car. These days, I have more complaints before the throne of God than praise for the infinite things that keep me walking instead of crawling. Rather than listing the things that I find wrong and totally unfair on this blog and further fuel my attitude of non-gratitude, I'll tell you what God kindly told me the other day...that I mildly ignored.  (How amazing is the love of God that kindly nudges us and whispers to us wisdom to dra...
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More than enough

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Having one of those days..maybe weeks.. where I can't help but question why...why did God bring me here? Why did He lead me HERE? Of all the places I could have settled comfortably in. Of all the things I could somewhat adequately do. Why here? IN this that I can not seem to do. Why did God place me of all people here. I keep listing the reasons in my mind, why I certainly don't belong. I'm not smart enough, skilled enough, productive enough, tough enough, outgoing enough, tall enough..the list continues. (its a long list.) And my list of all my failures leads me to this one question that pounds against my tiny brain, why did God bring me here. Am I reasoning with God's infinite wisdom? I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything. but this: I'm so unable. And in the back corners of my heart, where the child like faith is hidden so well, beneath my aging 20's something exterior, I hear my heart telling me that when I cannot, God can. When I am unable. He ...
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