Fellowship Week One: Black and Blue

I’m typing this, in my bed with sheets pulled over my face. It’s been a day. And I still have tasks looming over me that I still have to do but it has been a day, a long day. After four years of  residency, I had finally felt comfortable with the management my adult and pediatric patients in the clinic and on the floor. And today to be back at square one, with a knowledge base that is minimal, that’s hard. I am in the ICU with infants and children with complex cardiac diseases often needing urgent or emergent intervention to save their lives. And to not know.  If I’m being honest, it’s the toughest on my ego. Its bruised today, blue and black from all the hits of inadequacy and feelings of inferiority.  But it's humbling to be here again, face to face with what I lack. But as I stare my inadequacy in the face, I realize a few things.

One, that this weakness is not always. Your first year is only the first year once.  First week only comes once. I will not always be here on day one, week one, month one, year one. Two, we can only increase, as we open our hands and receive. Self, be open to receive.  To vulnerable to admit what you do not know and be willing to seek knowledge.  Pursue knowledge. Seek after it. Ask God for it. Three, the best blessings also come with new complications. Life's blessings are often complicated. Examples, babies. Puppies. Both cute. Both fun to have. Both loads of work with plenty of poop. Proverbs 14:4 “Without oxen a stable stays clean, but you need a strong ox for a large harvest”. Lastly, I remind myself why I’m doing medicine in the first place.  Its my service. This is my “God’s purpose(d)” service to my generation and I want to do it well. “Now David, after he had served God's purpose in his own generation, died” Acts 13:36.  God “called me” to be a pediatric cardiologist. I’m not sure if I can explain it any more than that but that I think I’m called to do this, for Him, for them. And as hard as it is, regardless of its effect on my bruised ego, I want to do this well. I want to decrease so that He will increase. I will not breathe this air nor live this life forever, with all that God placed in my hands, I want to do it well. Lord, let me do this well for the glory of Your great Name. 

Today with my head in my covers, I’m also dreaming and praying that one day with all that God gives me, I would be able to give something to someone in the Love of Christ.